Thursday, June 01, 2006

"The Surreal Life" of Sports

(May 8, 2006)

Flava Flav and the tall b**** from Beverly Hills Cop II

First off, for the record, I am not a reality junkie. I hardly ever subject myself to the tube unless I'm watching sports or a film. However, for some reason whenever I encounter VH1's The Surreal Life I simply cannot pull myself away. The concept is great--take advantage of eccentric, washed-up famous people who desperately need the money by placing them in the same combustible household.

The Surreal Life cast alumni list includes Vanilla Ice, Tammy Faye Baker, Brigitte Nielson, Flavor Flav (who, bizarrely enough, dated Nielson), Sherman Helmsley, Corey Feldman, MC Hammer, Ron Jeremy, Verne Troyer, Chyna, José Canseco and Bronson Pinchot. Those are just the more famous, or infamous, ex-stars that have appeared on various seasons of the show. When you add elements like those to one another and constantly force them to mix, the chemistry often becomes extremely unstable.

That's where my idea comes in. I would like to see Fox Sports, ESPN, VH1, etc…—SOMEONE, ANYONE, PLEASE!!—, put together a “who’s who” list of sports’ wackiest wackjobs and do a sports version of The Surreal Life. Screw it; I’ll make the list. I’ve even stayed the course and included cast members of different sexes, ages, ethnicities, and sporting backgrounds. All I need now is for someone to foot the bill for the show...

The Cast:

Rosie Ruiz - If her name doesn’t ring a bell, that’s understandable. I’ll make it easy for you. Rosie Ruiz is only the biggest phony in the history of sports. She’s a Cuban-American runner that cheated her way to a 1980 Boston Marathon victory by only running the last mile or so of the 26.2-mile race. She even cheated at the previous New York Marathon just to qualify for the Boston Marathon. Eventually, race officials stripped her of the victory. To this very day, she has still not completed a marathon. What could she possibly fake on the show? Get your mind out of the gutter, you!

Ryan Leaf - Possibly the biggest bust in the history of professional sports. The former Washington State quarterback was selected by the San Diego Chargers with the second pick in the 1998 NFL Draft. If being selected second in the draft didn’t already provide high enough expectations, he was picked right after Peyton Manning. Ouch. Leaf was so immature, pompous, lazy, and temperamental, not to mention overrated, that he was forced out of professional football rather quickly. While those attributes didn’t make him a star in the NFL, they would make him a huge hit on this show. I’m pretty sure the hefty paycheck would be enough to convince him to quit his job as quarterbacks coach at West Texas A&M.

”Iron” Mike Tyson - This boxing sensation turned freak show needs no introduction. Sure, he might be hard to convince, and even harder to contain, but he needs the money. It might take millions to get him on the show, but the ratings that resulted would be worth every penny. You’d even have to provide around the clock security to make sure he didn’t kill Leaf or one of the other cast members. Imagine those two going at it…

Tyson: (heavy lisp) Hey pretty boy QB, why didn’t you make it in the NFL?

Leaf: Leave me alone, Mike.

Tyson: I just wanna know why you didn’t make it. It’s just ludicrous.

Leaf: I don’t want to talk right now.

Tyson: Just talk to me big guy? Why couldn’t you cut the mustard?

Leaf: Just shut the @#$% up, Mike.

Tyson: What did you say to me? I’m Alexander the Conqueror. I’m impregnable. I’ll eat your children.

(Tyson breaks Leaf’s nose. Security breaks up the skirmish.)

Tyson: I’m gonna get you, Leaf. You better not drop the soap in the shower, big boy.

Leaf: I’m suing. I am going to sue your ass, Tyson!

What more can I say?

Tonya Harding - Former elite U.S. figure skater that became notorious when she literally had her husband take out the competition in 1994—when he clubbed skater Nancy Kerrigan in the knee. Partially due to multiple run-ins with the law, Harding has been so desperate for money in the past that she has appeared in both pro wrestling and porn. Think she wouldn’t stoop to this level? She also has somewhat of a relationship with Tyson. She appeared on the undercard for the Tyson-Clifford Etienne fight. Even though she’d still be playing second banana to Tyson on this card, she still would be a very popular cast member.

Shawn Bradley - Getting the “Stormin’ Mormon” on this show might indeed be “Missionary Impossible”, but, man, wouldn’t it be fun? The 7’6” former NBA basketball player, who once took a two-year hiatus to do missionary work, recently retired to run a chicken farm in Utah. He frequently donates large amounts of money to his church, and might jump at the chance to both donate more and promote his faith. During his playing days he was known to get into the occasional scuffle (usually because he was getting picked on), and history might repeat itself if he was on the show. Maybe he would get irked because someone made fun of his religion or made inappropriate references to his M.I.L.F. wife and hot daughters? Then we’d get to see Bradley’s tough-guy act followed by those gangly arms and legs flailing all over the place if a brawl broke out. If he says no there there is always Manute Bol.

Only Benson could look good in the O's uniforms right now.

Anna Benson - Okay, so she’s not an athlete. But since she’s married to Baltimore Orioles pitcher Kris Benson we’ll make an exception this time. Besides, other sports super hotties such as Anna Kournakova and Jennie Finch would be too difficult to sign up. Benson would be easy. This ex-stripper is starving for the spotlight. It’s obvious to see that when you consider that she’s already appeared in FHM magazine and on the Howard Stern Show. She even almost did Playboy. The statement that she made about having sex with all of the Mets players (her hubbies former team), even the grounds crew, if her husband cheated on her, made national news. She would no doubt flaunt her inflated breasts for the boys on her way to making headlines again if she was a cast member. Especially if we put a pitcher on the show, which brings me to…

John Rocker - The former Atlanta Braves pitcher that was famous more for bashing NYC with his racist, sexist and homophobic comments than his mad dash to the mound, would be a perfect fit. He’s done reality TV before (Spike TV’s Pros vs. Joes) and had a tabloid-making fling with fitness model/sports journalist Alicia Marie. He would be a natural match for Benson and a natural clash for New Yorker Tyson. His mouth would definitely get him in some trouble, and that’s why he’s on this list.

Irina Korzhanenko - Russian shot putter that won the 2004 Olympic gold medal, but was later disqualified when she tested positive for the steroid stanozolol. She later refused to return her medal and received a lifetime ban by the International Association of Athletics Federations (IAAF). I would pay anything to see Irina K bodyslam Bradley. The language barrier sends her stock through the roof. She makes Ivan Drago look like a Russian pansy. They fought once. He walked away saying “She's not human. She's like a piece of iron.”

Top Alternates: Harold "Baby Jordan" Miner, Todd "Marijuanavich" Marinovich, Marion Jones, Manute Bol, John McEnroe, Christy Martin, Tony Twist, William "Refridgerator" Perry, Ricky Williams, Martina Navratilova

Now, back to the hard part. Ah, yes, finding financing for this show... Hey, while I'm still dreaming, can I get Charles Barkley as the host?

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