Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Summer Blockbuster Series: The Omen 6/6/6

Today, I woke up somewhat expecting to see the end of the world as we know it. I expected to see my cat possessed, with glowing green eyes and foam spilling out of his mouth. I expected to see my girlfriend levitating three-feet above our bed. I expected to see that the sky had turned blood red and the sun had gone on permanent vacation. Most of all, I expected to see the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man slogging down the street. Why?

6/6/6

Thankfully, the Apocalypse didn’t happen and my status quo remained intact. When I woke up today, my cat was his normal ornery self, my girlfriend could hardly get out of bed, the not-so-blue L.A. sky was still stained by smog, and the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man was still stuck in my Ghostbusters DVD. Phew…

Even though the world didn’t come to an end today, most of it did notice the significance of the date.

The film industry recognized this devilish day by releasing a remake of one of the scariest films ever to grace the silver screen—The Omen. In The Omen, a nice couple, the Thorns, discover that their five-year-old son, Damien, is the Anti-Christ. Eventually, the Thorns decide that to prevent the Apocalypse Damien must be killed.

I’m recognizing this devilish day by releasing my list of the six most evil people in sports. Honestly, I wouldn’t be shocked to discover that any of these demons were the Satan of Sports cloaked in human flesh. To prevent the Sportpocalypse, these evildoers must be stopped.

Promoter of Pure Evil Don King

Ill-Famed Boxing Promoter Don King has killed two people (that we know about). He has left the lives of the two most-legendary boxers of all time, Muhammad Ali and Mike Tyson, in shambles. He has ripped off masses, both personally and with pay-per-view TV, leading to at least seven lawsuits. He has befriended infamous mobsters like John Gotti. He also has adamantly supported arguably the worst U.S. President of my lifetime—George W. Bush (Bush’s job approval ratings… LINK). If the aforementioned wrongdoings haven’t convinced you that King belongs in this villainous group, just examine his spiky gray hair. It forms a twisted crown, proof that he might just be the “King” of all things evil in sports. Well into his seventies, King is alive and kicking, filthy-rich, and still more gangsta than Suge Knight.

Defensive-Minded Devil Ron Artest

Over the course of the past few years, Sacramento Kings anarchic All-Star Forward Ron Artest nearly destroyed the Indiana Pacers franchise. His attitude is best defined by the gesture he gave Miami Heat fans several years back—a double-middle finger salute. If the evil inside of him isn’t exorcised soon, he could reverse the NBA’s recent upswing in popularity by his dolo. He has already thrown down with fans once, what would keep him from charging into the stands again? Or—GULP—doing something even worse? If Artest stoops to an all-time low, it will be a sad, sad day. The day snooty, middle-aged NBA haters are proved right on all those nasty things they say about my favorite brand of pro sports.

Artest: “Yes, Chuck. I am the one. I am Damien!

Bronx Beelzebub George Steinbrenner

New York Yankees Owner George Steinbrenner is a menace that threatens the relevance of the other 29 MLB teams. If The Boss could have it his way, he’d just bypass each season by buying World Series Championships for his beloved Yanks. As things stand, Steinbrenner just tries to ensure championships by annually having baseball’s biggest payroll (Which is $198.7 million, a whopping $78.6 million more than the second-highest team!). Championships aren’t the only thing he has tried to buy. In 1974, Steinbrenner was found guilty of making 14 illegal contributions to the re-election campaign of then U.S. President Richard Nixon. In 1990, he was banned from MLB for life by then Commissioner Fay Vincent for trying to blackmail ex-Yankee Dave Winfield so he wouldn’t have to fork over $300,00 to Winfield’s foundation. Unfortunately, he was later pardoned of the first offense and reinstated by MLB. For more on the epitome of sports scum, check out my upcoming article on Steinbrenner and his filthy Yanks—“Summer Blockbuster Series: The Devil Wears Pinstripes.” Regretfully, I have to save some venom for that post.

Agent of the Apocalypse Drew Rosenhaus

If money is indeed the root of all evil, cutthroat Sports Agent Drew Rosenhaus’ malevolence is second to only George Steinbrenner’s in the world of sports. The real-life Bob Sugar is part of the “Miami Mafia”, an infamous crew of University of Miami alums dedicated to dominating the fields of business, politics, and sports by any means necessary. His notorious clients include NFL stars Terrell Owens, Sean Taylor, Warren Sapp, Chad Johnson, and Jeremy Shockey. Not exactly a bunch of choirboys and milk drinkers, are they? With his renegade clients and cold-blooded methods, Rosenhaus has almost single-handedly blackened the NFL’s figurative eye. Yes, he did save that little boy from drowning a few years back in Orlando. However, to me, that was nothing more than Rosenhaus’ deception. It’s like what Verbal Kent said in The Usual Suspects, “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.”

Verbal Kent: "And poof. Just like that, he's gone."

Tightwad Terror David Glass

Kansas City Royals cheapskate Owner David Glass has turned ex-Owner and philanthropist Ewing Kauffman’s once-proud franchise into a running punchline. Don’t let Glass’ lack of celebrity fool you; he is every bit as vile as Steinbrenner. While Steinbrenner is trying to wipe out baseball by creating a monopoly, Glass is taking another route. He could potentially exterminate his Royals with his penny-pinching ways. By caring way more about the bottom line than his team’s on-field success, Glass is endangering everything we love about sports. If every professional sports owner adopted his philosophy, the competitive spirit that fuels the athletes, coaches and fans would be all but extinct? It makes me sick to even entertain that possibility. You know what makes me even sicker? Glass' past with Wal-Mart. Check out this quote from a 1992 Dateline interview, when he was Wal-Mart’s CEO... After being shown photographs of a factory that burned down with children still trapped inside, Glass retorted, "Yeah... there are tragic things that happen all over the world." Glass promptly ended the interview after that exchange. After reading quotes like the previous one, and that the Royals have averaged a disgraceful 97 losses a season since Glass bought the team, I hope his tenure with the Royals ends promptly.

Unrighteous Receiver Terrell Owens

As one of America’s foremost anti-role models, Dallas Cowboys Wide Receiver Terrell Owens is polluting the sports atmosphere every time he opens that gigantic yapper of his. It’s ironic that he’s going to play for Cowboys Owner Jerry Jones, who barely missed this list, and the Cowboys, possibly the most-widely despised franchise in the NFL. You know what, Owens and the Cowboys deserve each other. T.O.’s childish demands all but ruined a Philadelphia Eagles franchise that made the NFC Championship Game four years in a row. Following T.O.’s lead, NFL players are holding out for new contracts left and right. Even worse, kids across the nation are holding out from the choirs, demanding that their allowances be raised. Shame on you, T.O. If Rosenhaus is Lucifer of the Gridiron, then T.O. is his mouthpiece.

Now, right here in my comments section, I want to hear about who you think is the most evil person in sports and why…

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