Thursday, June 01, 2006

Jack the... Clipper?

(May 17, 2006)


Jack of all traitors?


I don’t know you, but I’m a film buff and big fan of yours, so I feel that I know you reasonably well. That being said, I have to ask—what in the hell were you doing flying to Phoenix to watch L.A.’s other team, the Los Angeles Clippers? You are suppose to be the quintessential Los Angeles Lakers fan.

Are you mad at Kobe? This is you telling KB8/24 and his teammates “Wait'll they get a load of ME!,” isn’t it? Has Elgin Baylor finally turning things around inspired you to the point that you told him “you make me want to be a better man?” Or were you there to support your good friend and die-hard Clippers fan Billy Crystal, who always seems to crack on you at the Oscars? Here’s his next Jack Nicholson punchline—“never rub another man's rhubarb.”

You’ll probably wake up tomorrow and say that this experience was “The most terrible nightmare I ever had. It's the most horrible dream I ever had.” Jack, you need to take some accountability here. You were wearing Clipper blue. I know you were there to support your director from As Good As It Gets , Clippers fan James L. Brooks, but still—YOU WERE WEARING CLIPPER BLUE! OK, maybe it was light purple, but it looked like blue on TV. You and Penny Marshall are out! What, is three championships every decade not good enough for you?

What's wrong, Jack, “you can't handle the truth?” That's too bad. You are a Lakers fan. Go home! This is an outrage. Noah Cross told you this in Chinatown, “most people never have to face the fact that, at the right time and the right place, they're capable of... anything!” Well, buddy, you now have to face that fact. What's your next film going to be, a Benedict Arnold biopic?

You can only hope that Kobe doesn’t disown you during his guest appearance on TNT’s NBA Halftime Show tonight. You know that Chuck and Kenny are going to ask him about you. Well, hopefully the Ocho, I mean, Jack Bauer, will forgive you and it will be business as usual with you courtside next year. I have a feeling you’ll wake up tomorrow, read this, and write me back “What can I tell you, kid? You're right. When you're right, you're right, and you're right.”

I love ya, Jack, but you're pushing me. First, Wolf, then Mars Attacks, and now this? Are there any real fans still out there? What happened to loyalty? Jack, this is a wake up call. "Lord have mercy! Is that what that is?" Yes, now go back to your family—the purple and gold. That's where you belong.




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